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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Small Victories

I wish I could say that all was well, but the truth is Brad and I are headed back to court.   Based on some issues like this:


05/12/12 – at birthday dinner drop off – argued about shield – said he wanted to beat me – would not drop it – said I was a victim – put his fist in my face, pushed door back, was very threatening, kids saw all of this and Luke was very upset, Brad said this was what was wrong with me and that I would not change (about being a victim)

05/16/12 Wednesday at drop-off - threatened to hurt me and put his fist in my face, put his foot up to my crotch, called me a bitch and a cunt - I threatened to call 911 if he did not leave and he said we’d go back to court to prove he’s a better father, all over the shield because I said Luke wanted to bring one shield back to my house, said I had to quit talking about me and my feelings, stayed until he said his peace, Luke was crying, when I asked for Brad to apologize to Luke, Brad blamed it on me told Luke we would not argue if I would stop talking about me and my feelings

07/16/12 Monday – called asked about kids meeting with boyfriend – asked more questions about future meetings, said I was stupid, I hung up – at his house – said “I’m not going to let you get to your car” – physically blocked my way outside, called me stupid, immature, idiot, said “I know you slept with him on the fourth date”, said I was a slut

08/10/12 – at pickup – asked for the third time if the kids have plans with my boyfriend (Jack). I said “no” – he did not like my ‘attitude’ and called immature and a c-u-n-t when I tried to leave, repeatedly said I should act like an adult – said he has to ask the question because I will not volunteer the information. Blocked my way to the car and blocked car door – punched side of door, threatened to key my car. Said my boyfriend would divorce me if we got married because of my attitude, insists on knowing ahead of time if kids have plans with Jack. Kids were in hot car part of this time and Brad would not let me get in to turn AC on.


08/22/12 Wednesday – at my house – kid drop off (recorded) put fist in my face and said “Oh, I want to do that so bad” - would not leave – stepped outside – mad about when I would not answer questions about my boyfriend – said ”Like I said they can find your body somewhere along the roadway” when I said he had to return the kids on time

I discussed these incidents with my lawyer and we to decided to request a new agreement be put in place that will minimize my interactions with Brad - things like insisting he stay in his car when he drops the kids off, and not calling me on the phone   I want him to go to the anger management class again as well, because clearly it did not stick.

At my lawyer's suggestion, I sent Brad an email with some of these examples and asked if he would meet with me and my lawyer to come to an agreement.   If not, I said, I'll be filing it in court.  He replied after three hours that he would "invite an invitation to court".   That barely even makes sense, but the point was clear he wants to make this as difficult and expensive at possible.   

While I was finalizing the paperwork with my lawyer, Brad apparently got his own lawyer and  beat me to the punch, having me served with papers to modify the arrangements.   He's asking for primary custody, which means  I would get the standard visitation weekend schedule and pay him child support.   Of course he'll never get any of that. It's a  bullying tactic designed to be scare me so I will give him what he wants and who even knows what that really is. His actions have just made me furious and less likely to cooperate when he does express what he really wants. It was not a good move on his part.  The fact that he would even consider asking for that type of arrangement is just ridiculous; especially in light of his bad behavior in the last few months.     I have  occasionally wondered if he is crazy enough to think I would actually go for it - which he might be.  

So now I am living with all of this hanging of my head for the next few months and it's terrible. Necessary, but terrible. It's like getting divorced all over again only without the financial settlement. Part of me hopes we'll get it resolved through mediation and not actually go to court - it will undoubtedly be cheaper that way. On the other hand, I sort of want him to have to face a judge and try to explain his bad behavior and why he says he wants primary custody.  

I think the judges are smart enough to know that people like this do not change. His past history, my notes about his bad behavior, the recording I have, and his likely demeanor in front of a judge are all in my favor. I believe he will not come across well in court, but he thinks he will, because his thoughts and behaviors about anything related to me and the kids are truly crazy.  He thinks he has a right to come into my house, to berate me, to threaten me, and to know when the kids are seeing my boyfriend.   I keep thinking something will change something will get to to him and make him realize that he cannot treat me the way he does and get away with it, but it won't work because he is not now and never will be rational about any of it.   

I'm not really worried about the outcome, but it certainly is very stressful.   He clearly has no idea how his behavior will look to a judge.   I suppose he'll deny it all if we get that far and say that it's my word against his.    He does not know that I have that last one recorded and I don't honestly know if that would make a difference.  He fundamentally feels his behavior is justified and that I am the cause of it.    He doesn't get it and he never will.  The good thing to come of this is that he is actually behaving himself a bit better now that he knows everything will be under scrutiny.    He's still made some negative remarks, and gotten mad, and driven by my house to check on me, but overall it's been better the last month since I started all of this.  This sad part is that even his current behaviour is completely unacceptable, but for me it's a small victory and I'll take it.