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Sunday, June 17, 2012

One Year Anniversary

I created this blog one year ago and so much has changed, and yet so much has not.   When I started this, I had a burning desire to get my story out; I was almost obsessed with getting through to the end.  It was very cathartic to go through my journals and describe all the events and my feelings about them.  My family and friends only knew bits and pieces and I had to get the whole thing, all the dreadful stuff,  out of my system.   This process really helped me heal emotionally. But stepping away from the blog at times and not defining my life a domestic violence survivor has also been very helpful.    It’s good to be able to try to live a normal life.   I’ve started dating and have met someone special.     

My day-to-day life now consists of managing four worlds -my kids, my work, my boyfriend, and my ex-husband - hoping and praying that they do not collide too much.   It can be stressful to switch gears between them and sometimes it’s a little jarring.  I have a fair amount of time to myself when the kids are with Brad.  I try to stay busy and not get sad, but it’s sometimes challenging.   I constantly struggle with the fact that I don’t have my kids all the time because he was such an ass.  It doesn’t seem fair, that I am being punished for his bad behavior.   And yet I know, that at least until something bad happens, it’s best for the kids to have a relationship with their father.   They seem to enjoy spending time with him and I try to foster the relationship as much as I can and hide his dysfunction from them.   
He is still verbally abusive to me on the phone and in person.  He has threatened to come over to the house if I don’t answer the phone.  He has occasionally physically threatened me at my house and refused to leave.  One time recently, I told him I was going to call 911 if he did not leave and he said ‘go ahead’.
That’s the bad news.  The good news is, I’m not married to him anymore and I can hang up on him or he does have to leave eventually, so his opportunities to be abusive are greatly reduced.   He is very involved in the kids' activities, which is good for them, but bad for me because I have to see him so much.   Probably seventy-five percent of the time, things are just fine and he does not make any snide comments or say anything abusive.    The other twenty-five percent varies from slightly annoying to downright scary.  

Bottom line, I am still afraid of him.    That has not changed.   He has not changed.   But how I react to him has changed, because I am fundamentally free of him and am moving on with my life and it feels good.   

I genuinely hope that by telling my story I have helped someone in the same situation.  For me, seeing myself in other's story was a major factor in giving me the strength to recognize that it was not going to get better and that I had to leave and never look back.