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Friday, March 30, 2012

Another Milestone

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of when my divorce was final.  Yeah!

I'd like to say everything is great, and in the grand scheme of things it is, but there are still 'incidents'.

For instance, working back in time.

Yesterday 3/29 - pretty sure I saw his car go by my house at lunch time  (I was working at home) to check to see if my 'friend' as he calls him was here.  Later at baseball practice he alluded to the 'fact', in his opinion, that I had seen my friend for lunch.

Friday 3/23 - insisted I take my son to the doctor for an x-ray because he had fallen and bruised his elbow during P.E.   I later pieced together that he was mostly furious that the school had called me about the injury and I had not informed him.  He made a big deal about how I 'screwed up' and how I have to 'make a committment' to tell him about these things in the future.   All typical of his verbally abusive behavior.

Saturday 3/17 - saw evidence of beer drinking in his car.  I don't really know what to make of this, but he is supposed to be in AA and not supposed to be drinking.

Friday 3/16 - asked me if I was going out (implying with my boyfriend) Saturday night.  He asks because he is trying to test me to see if I am getting a babysitter other than him.  He is insistent that no one besides him take care of the kids.  It completely infuriates me and I mentioned that it would be different if he was in a relationship - he would not want to babysit on Saturday anyway and he got even more mad.  He was upset that I 'assumed' something about him and went on about that for a while in a demeaning and angry manner.

Friday 3/9 - called about Luke's hair being messy at school.  Said he told the teacher to take a picture and let him know if/when Luke comes to school with bad hair.  Insisted I make a commitment to fixing Luke's hair in the morning.   The whole conversation was demeaning and abusive in tone.

Friday 3/2 - mad I sent Luke to school with a sore throat. Mad I forgot to tell him about open house.  Said I was forgetful and deserved to be yelled at and talked down to until I stopped forgetting.   Said I was selfish and unattractive and boring and that no one should like me.

Monday 2/27 - on the phone with Luke in the car - said "shut up, shut up" and "you're a terrible mother".  He was mad because I had said one of his threats to Luke was a little strict - I did not countermand it - just offered my opinion when he asked.  (He had told Luke he would not get a birthday party this year if he took his seat belt off on the bus again.)  He later said "I don't want your opinion and you never tell me 'good job' or thank me for what I do."  That's rich - he's upset that I don't compliment his behavior....

Sunday 2/26 - asked if I spent the night at my house with my boyfriend.  Asked if the relationship was still strong and told me he was "hoping against it" because "I don't want that man to meet my kids."

So in a little over a month there were eight fairly stressful incidents and a few minor ones I did not mention.   This proves that the abuse will never stop.   

The good news is that he has not threatened to take me to court in a while.  We are able to coordinate getting the kids to extra-curricular activities well enough.  We are at the final stage in the ramp up of his custody and I have given him some extra time at Christmas and spring break that was not in the decree.  I hope he appreciates this, but I'm pretty sure he does not. He thinks it's his right, so anything I give him is just what was owed him in the first place in his mind.   I have to make peace with this in my own mind.

I tell myself that no divorce is without pain and most couples in this situation don't get along even as well as we do.  The level of pain with him is different because it is abusive, but not necessarily less. 

Overall, I'm so glad to be where I am, rather than were I was.   Getting out of the marriage was simultaneously the most stressful, the saddest, and the best decision I've ever made.