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Saturday, February 25, 2012

Two Years Later

Today is the second anniversary of the day I filed for divorce and had my abusive ex-husband forcibly removed from the house.   The details of that day are here.

Looking back, I wonder how I got through it.   I was terrified and stressed beyond belief.  It took grim determination and an unbelievable amount of courage.   Looking back, I am proud of what I did.  I have not regretted it for a minute.  

I am sad, however, that it had to turn out this way.   Two days ago, I burst into tears thinking about my son and how this has affected him. He's a sensitive kid and some of it seems to be after effects of all the abuse he saw.   Of course, he might have been like this anyway, but I will never know for sure, so I have some measure of guilt that I did not get out sooner. I am sad that my son and my daughter will never know the traditional mom and dad household and  have to go back and forth between the two houses.    

But I do know that it did have to happen.   I take solace in that.   My ex-husband has been better to the kids than I expected, but his anger at me and the whole situation is still very strong.   I know, based on how he still behaves towards me, that he would never have changed.    When I left, I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision - giving up on a intact family is a very devastating thing to do, but it was the right thing. 

Sometimes I still think 'what if?', but then I come back to reality when he says something verbally abusive or threatening.  About six weeks ago he said "I'm going to kill you in front of the kids" - he said that in front of the kids, but I hope they did not hear it since they were in the back of the car and he was outside my car window.   If that does not prove he won't change, I don't know what would.

I've still got a fair amount of stress with Brad, and working full time and managing the kids and the house all by myself is hard work.  I have a routine for the house, and it all manages to come together without too many disasters.    My son can be quite difficult at times, but I deal with it the best I can and I am cautiously optimistic. 

It's definitely not easy, but at the end of the day, I have peace and I am happy.