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Saturday, October 8, 2011

“You’re the meanest person in the world.”

What Brad told me last Saturday when I did not respond in an appropriately appreciative fashion to a suggestion he made.  I was having some scheduling stress about soccer games and he offered to help, the problem was that it wasn’t a good suggestion and wouldn’t really have helped.  Perhaps I was a bit dismissive, when I rejected his offer.  I tried to explain why his suggestion would not work, but he wasn’t having any of it and he hung up on me.

Then he texted later and said I was irresponsible and unaccountable, and blamed everyone else for my problems, and asked “how are the kids going to have a good role model and learn how to take responsibility for their actions when you do not.”   Wow.  Look in the mirror, Brad, you just described yourself.   As in previous posts, a classic case of projection.  Everything that is wrong with him, he says is wrong with me.  We sort of made up later, and he put his arm around me and was very condescending about the whole thing.  I shudder at his touch which made it that much worse.
 I continue to find it very frustrating that I have to deal with him at all.   He has no sense of boundaries and is not rational.   He truly believes these crazy things he says, but I have to talk to him and respond as well as I can, because of the kids.   At some level, I wish he would lose interest in the kids and not be as involved, but I know that would probably not be best for them.  I really struggle with the question of ‘Is having a crazy, angry, irresponsible dad better than a disinterested or absent dad?”    I really don’t know and maybe I never will, but it plagues me constantly.  

When he’s with the kids, I see him being loud and controlling and capricious, and I think “I can’t let him see them anymore, I have to get them away from him.”  Then I see him being loving and trying to be nice and I think “I am glad they have this interaction with him.”   I’m totally torn about the whole thing, and I suppose I always will be.
At the end of the day, I hope the good with him will outweigh the bad, but I don’t believe it.  I feel deep down that something bad, at least emotionally if not physically, will eventually happen and I will be left to pick up the pieces.  I can only hope that by my behavior and my example, my kids will come to me with anything truly disturbing or abusive that Brad does to them, or in their presence.  Until then, I do the best I can to keep the peace and not take his abusive behavior personally, because I cannot change him, however much I wish I could.

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