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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Insulting, Invasive, Idiotic

The things Brad says to me.  I3, “I” cubed I’m going to call it  Here are a few I remember off the top of my head.

Insulting
You let Cassie play with makeup? Do you let her do it before school?  (This when he saw her with Peppermint lip gloss and an old compact of mine at the soccer game.  As if I would let her wear makeup to school.)

Are they eating vegetables? (Implying that I am not serving enough.)
I’m giving the kids fruit smoothies to make sure they get their vitamins. (implying I am not feeding them correctly.)

You’re the least attractive women on the planet (this is not just insulting, but abusive.)
The kids are always tired when I get them.  Do you let them stay up late?

Did you give them fast food last night?
Do you text or talk to your ‘friends’ when the kids are around.  (Implying I am putting my needs to date in front of the kids’ needs.)

Does Luke do what you say? (Implying I am a bad disciplinarian, which was one of his hot buttons all along.)

I don’t trust you not to put your (sexual) needs over the needs of the kids. (The sexual part was implied by the context.)
You’ve done better the last few weeks at not saying rude things to me. (Of course, I am never rude, he just thinks I am if I don’t respond to his I3  behavior exactly as he wants. And who is he to judge my behavior and praise me one way or the other?  Just ridiculous.)

Invasive
Are you taking a trip? (After seeing a coupon for a car service on my refrigerator.)

What’s that? (After seeing a pink cosmetic bag in my purse.)
Is that a new bra? I don’t remember it. (After seeing my bra strap when I was leaning over to put Cassie in her car seat.)

Are the kids having a babysitter this weekend? (Implying a boyfriend.)
Is there anything regular? (Again, implying a boyfriend, in spite of that fact that he says HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ME.)

Is that a new kind of champagne, what are you drinking on a daily basis? (After seeing some bottles in my refrigerator, he obsessively bought a huge supply before I left him, that I have only made a dent in. As if I would be drinking daily, he was the alcoholic, not me.)

Do you like your hair longer? Why didn’t you have it longer when we were married?

Idiotic
I’m dying without a raincoat. (This in July after a few days of rain, before he had taken possession of all his stuff.)

My clothes all got ruined because you packed them in cardboard boxes and I want you to pay to get them dry cleaned. (I declined to pay.)
I need you to tell me all about the results of any doctor appointment for the kids before you tell anybody else. (As if I would actually agree to this.  Controlling? Indeed.)

You look nice. Did you have a good Isabelle day?  (Said when he saw me at kid pick-up.  I have no idea what this means, but I think it vaguely might mean “Did you have date?” – in which case it would also fall into the Invasive category.)

To Cassie - Where did you get that stamp on your hand? Is mommy taking you to bars now? (After gymnastics where she gets a stamp on her hand.  This could also be included in the Insulting category.)
Luke’s feet smell because he is not wearing socks and his shoes are made in China out of man-made materials that are might get into Luke’s skin and harm him. So make sure he always wears socks.   (Not really sure how he knows anything about how/where the shoes are made, but the foot smell is accurate though, it’s pretty bad.)

I'd call you 100 times when you don't answer if I knew it was making you mad. (Whaat?)

I think it will help me to deal with these things he says if I categorize them. File it and move on. I need to take them less personally, so they won’t make me so mad.   I have tried to push back when he says these things, but it almost never goes well and typically escalates.  He feels completely justified and no amount of convincing changes his irrational mind.  This is one of the things that is so hard to deal with being divorced from an abuser, at least for me.  I couldn’t make him change his behavior when we were married and I can't now, either.  It’s like arguing with a two-year old.
Maybe I’ll get a little notebook with a tally sheet for the categories.  It’ll work great until he somehow sees it and asks what it is…   Add one to Invasive.

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