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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Theater of the absurd

This post has a few random things that happened in the last month to bring us almost up to date.

08/03/11 Wednesday – kids drop off – asked me why police had been to my house, said he was on the police blotter and saw and ‘alarm’ call on my block
Whaaat?  He was on some website checking for police activity at my house?  Hmmm.  I really don’t know what to make of this. What was he hoping to gain or learn?   The people I have told this story to are speechless .  I’m not even sure what that alarm call is he is referring to,  but I did have the alarm company call me once when the patio door blew open because it had not been locked.   That might have been it.  I told them it was a false alarm and returned immediately to the house to lock the door.   I find it very strange that he would be doing something like this, and then even stranger still that he would mention it.   This is not the first time he’s openly admitted his stalker-ish behavior.

Second up on the on the bizarre list:
08/09/11 Tuesday  - kids drop off – asked me about Internet dating and if he could take my pictures – asked again if he could babysit – says he doesn’t care about me dating and said “I don’t live to date”

He said he wants to take my profile pictures because “I know your best sides”.  I told him I did not think that was appropriate.  And the remark about “I don’t live to date” – to me clearly implies he somehow thinks I do.  Even though it’s been eighteen months since I left him and five months since the divorce was final, and now I am finally thinking about dating.  And he want to babysit while I'm on a date?  I can't imagine the hand-wringing and stress he would experience if he knew I was out.  He says he doesn't care, but his actions clearly indicate otherwise.

Third - he has occasionally made remarks to me that he says the kids have said to him about my interaction with them.  I never know whether they are true or not, but I try to discuss with them with the kids and make adjustments.  For instance, Cassie allegedly said that she didn’t like it that I ate separately from them and Luke allegedly said he wanted more ‘Mommy time’. I have taken great pains to adjust my schedule accordingly to do what’s right.  So I was particularly frustrated when Brad made this comment below.  I'm really trying to do the best that I can, but it’s very difficult working full time to get a much time during the week. 

08/10/11 Wednesday – gymnastics – said the kids said they only watch TV with me and that he wants them to be more social, said he will help since I don’t want to “because of how I was raised” – very patronizing and manipulative

This whole conversation was extremely painful, and I don’t know what he was hoping to accomplish.  Most annoying of all, this is categorically not true.   They watch one hour of TV before bed on weeknights and on weekends we always go to the park, pool, museum, or something.    They watch a few cartoons before we leave for the day and then another hour of TV before bed.  Also, he has this notion that I am ‘anti-social’ because I am a somewhat shy person.  So he somehow thinks that means that I don’t want the kids to have friends.   He’s afraid my shyness is going to rub off on the kids, I suppose.    Well I’m afraid his ‘anger management issues’ are going to rub off on them too, and that has much bigger consequences.   I win.

And finally, a really awkward situation.  He has not read the divorce papers, it seems, because he thinks he has more time at Christmas than he does.  I have twice tried to tell him gently to read them, but I don’t think he has yet.   So he’s pushing to make plans (in August, no less) about the weekends at Christmas.  He thinks he’s being nice by agreeing to ‘switch’ some dates with me.  The problem is that he doesn't even have these dates in the first place.  So if I agree to anything, I will be giving him extra time.   It’s quite a tricky situation.   Here is how one of the conversations went.
08/13/11 Saturday kid drop off – pushed about Christmas, I said I would send email, he said “I won’t read it”

This is very minor, I know, but it shows his attitude.  I’m trying to be nice and cooperative and I volunteer to check in with my family on plans and get back to him with an email.  That he says he won’t read.  How is this helpful?  It’s just so immature.  He has to talk about the plans because that’s the only way he can control and manipulate the conversation, just like he has always done.   I still don’t know what I’m going to do about this. It feels like there's a volcano rumbling and it’s just a matter of time until it erupts.


  1. This is my first time to visit your blog. I found the link on Violence UnSilenced. Anyway, I must say that even though I was never married or had kids with my psycho stalker ex, I kind of know what you're going through. For years he stalked my every move and would gain access to my phone records (he knows my social security number) and check to see who I called, who called me, etc. All I can say is that I am sorry you have to deal with that. Controlling men are no joke. Hopefully, eventually he will move on.

  2. I don't know how I managed not to find your blog before now, but I'm so glad I did! Following you :)


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