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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Supervised visitation and dealing with Brad

Now we are basically in a routine.  It’s a little stressful because I have to deliver the kids to Brad’s location exactly on time and pick them up exactly on time, due to the rules of supervision.   I spend a lot of time hovering in parking lots.   The biggest complication is that Brad is living in a hotel,  so he cannot have the children there.   He has two of the visits at the home of his AA sponsor, but I guess that’s uncomfortable because they start going to a mall mostly.   In typical Brad fashion, he seems to be making this as difficult as possible, probably because he does not want the visits to be supervised in the first place.  He refuses to set up a standard time and place.  He changes places or times every time he sees them and he won’t commit until the Wednesday before.  It’s rude to me and to the supervisor, but he does not care.   He insists he does not have access to a fax machine, so I’m stuck doing all of the administration for his visits.  It’s ridiculous, but he does not see it that way.  “It’s all about the kids” is his mantra, which in his mind justifies anything I have to do on his behalf to be able to see them.  

He also has a weekly phone call with the kids on Wednesdays, but they usually go very poorly because the kids are so little, they don’t want to talk on the phone and they don’t really have anything to say.  Brad blames me for this and it will be the source of much stress over the next six months.   Here are some examples where he was upset or verbally abusive when trying to make arrangements or at the actual events.
06/24/10 3-4 repeated calls visitation arrangements, said I was acting like a bitch, said I was doing what I always did in a relationship, told me to shut up, was condescending and mean, said I was not thinking about all parties or the kids

07/20/10 – 3- called to make arrangement for weekend, tried to talk about “IHOP meeting” with kids, repeatedly called and texted after I told him not to – 10-12 times, told me I was assuming bad things about what he was saying and insisted I had to listen to his point of view, that poor communication was my problem during the relationship said “you must have a mental defect”

08/28/10 Thursday PM – 2,3 – on phone in my car - called to finalize arrangements for Saturday, got upset when I asked him why he said “did just the three of you go on Sunday”, after he asked me about my “personal life” – insists that if I assume he is asking about a boyfriend then I must be guilty – said “I just don’t trust you in that arena” – I got out of car (where Luke was) and raised my voice to defend myself – he hung up on me and said later it was because he heard Luke and I was a bad Mom for letting him “see” me get madsays he’s going to go to court to get more access to kids if I don’t “live up to our agreement” and stop assuming what he is saying

09/11/10 Kids visit – Brad came out to car because supervisor was not there yet – was very insistent on how much he does not like the supervisor’s boss, gave kids cookies –insisted on talking to me, called several times to press his point about me “not criticizing him” – followed me when I came into mall with kids to go to bathroom, took pictures in vestibule where I was trying to wait for supervisor without him.    On kid pickup –  he left as we were leaving mall – against the rules, he is supposed to stay in until we leave
10/27/10 kids call – said he was moving into a house in December, at beginning of call he asked where we were and I said outside, he said “have you talked to you lawyers about this?”

11/17/10 kids call – was upset that I was 8 minutes late in calling, was very upset because I had not sent the kids update, kids did not want to talk much, Brad left VM about how bad it was and wanted another call later – threatened to talk to his lawyer and “have the calls from the lawyer’s office” next week  - said I’m sure you want to avoid that expense

Did makeup call later – went better – told me he wants his half of chandelier. Said he was setting up a bank account
He mentioned to his lawyer that he did not like how the phone calls were going,  and my lawyer mentioned it to me.  He often makes threats about going to the court, or talking to the judge, or suing me.  He also manages to take almost every opportunity to hint or actually ask about my alleged boyfriend(s).  I dread the weekly kids’s calls, as well as the arrangement calls because of this. 

08/14/10 – Brad called right after visit – insisted I ”give him the benefit of the doubt” if I want it from him – said I have to stop assuming when he’s thinking and ‘listen to his words’, brought up xmas earlier saying I should not plan a long out of town trip because it was an ‘emotional’ time frame – I told him I thought he had a hidden agenda which is why I am guarded when I talk – I said I think he keeps trying to find out if I have a boyfriend – he said he already knows about someone from January named xxxxxx  - told him I have no idea who that is, but he insists it’s ‘ok’ as long as I don’t introduce my boyfriend to the kids too soon or before I tell him I am going to

08/23/10 am – first day of school for Luke – wanted to talk, was ok then asked about his sports coats – said maybe l loaned them to someone – upset that I could not find them and said “I wouldn’t put anything past you”
08/23/10 PM weekly kids call, went ok – asked if “just the three of you” went to theme park on Sunday

“Did just the three of you go?”  I have heard that countless time, and still do.  To this day, I have not dated nor had a ‘boyfriend’, so it’s particularly obnoxious to me when he asks this.  Mostly its plain jealousy, but I think it’s also because he just can’t fathom that I would leave him for no one.  Surely I left him for someone else, because I can’t possible have left him just because he was a jerk.
The other thing I track in my journal is events that happen with the kids that show their emotions about what happened or is happening.  In all of these examples, I was alone with the kids.

07/05/10 – at Arboretum – both kids brought up daddy’s anger, Luke said later he thought Brad would come and hurt him because he found out he was naked outside (on weekly phone call)
08/10/10 – Luke said he did not want to tell Brad about his trip because he thinks Brad might think he’s not big enough to do the stuff

08/14/10 – evening- Cassie said Brad asked her if he could go to her birthday party
09/21/10 Tuesday PM – Luke was upset and threatened to cut my throat with a knife – did not actually have a knife or make a move to go get one – I told Luke that was not appropriate and then Cassie said “but Daddy threatened you with a knife” and I told her that would not happen anymore

Luke is clearly somewhat scared of Brad and Brad is clearly manipulative.  He’s asking Cassie in August if he can come to her party in December?
And that incident with Cassie mentioning how Brad threatened me with a knife –it’s truly heartbreaking.   The silver lining is that every one of these actions by Brad just reinforces my decision to leave and they prove that he’s never going to change.   He is jealous, manipulative, threatening and verbally abusive and always will be.

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