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Thursday, August 11, 2011

Not one little bit

Already
In typical Brad fashion, he has to make everything a crisis.   Since none of the furniture or belongings were handled during mediation, we did it afterwards with spreadsheets,  and a lot of pointed emails back and forth.  Part of the mediation, however, included me giving him back the car seats that had been in his car.  Why he focused on that one point, I have no idea.  It would never have occurred to me not to give them back, plus he could have bought two more for less than $100 at Wal-Mart.  Whatever. (I say that a lot when I deal with him now).   To him, however, it was all out war when I did not respond to him quickly enough about when he would get them.  He needed them for his first dinner with the kids and I knew that, and I would never have stood in the way of that -  I could not legally do it and I would not ethically have done it either.  Here is what happened.
11/27/10 Friday – left vm threatening to “void the deal” because I had not responded within 24 hours about when he would get the car seats and Cassie’s birthday and Cassie’s surgery, said it would be my money, “$1500” every time to spell out in child-like details how we would handle things  - said I was difficult to deal with

Four days.   Four days after the agreement and he is already threatening to call it off for the first of many times.   He seems not to understand it was legally binding. He seems not to understand he’d have to have some really good reason to void it and go back to court.  Not responding to his question in 24 hours is hardly grounds, but he does not see it that way.  (I also say that a lot when I deal with him now).

The mountains of stuff
One thing I have not talked about up until now is all of Brad’s stuff.  He had a lot of it.   Most of the furniture was his, he had a crystal collection, a DVD collection, and a lot of cloths.   I’m talking probably 80 pairs of slacks as an example.  Early on I had boxed up some of it and given it to him and had slowly been boxing stuff over the months.  Finally I ran out of room in the dining room where I was stacking everything, so I got a storage unit to put it in. This was key to my plan because I needed to be able to move on emotionally by getting rid of his furniture and move my old bed in from the guest room instead of sleeping in the ‘marital bed’, which was his and went to storage.   
I kept slowly packing, but I really had no idea when Brad would need it because he was still living in a hotel in late November, even though he was required to get a place in July.   Part of the agreement included him doing a ‘walk-through’ of the house to ensure I had packed all of his stuff and to note what was left that might be his.   He had been asking for this since March, but I was had been able to prevent it due to the protective order.  Now it was unavoidable - so we set a time for when someone else will be in the house.   Brad is still convinced I have a boyfriend as you can see here – the day before when he dropped the kids off after dinner and the day of the walk-through.

12/1/10 kids dinner with Brad – went fine, he asked me about bruises on Cassie and her nose scrape and her haircut, asked if I let Luke jump on furniture and if I let him ride in car without straps of car seat, asked if I would be introducing a new boyfriend to the kids soon
12/02/10 Brad walk-through – very annoying but not threatening, got angry about baseball cards because I got upset when he asked me if I would let my “boyfriend” sell them on ebay if he left them here, says he “gave up a lot” at mediation

So two things, he thinks he gave up a lot at mediation and that if I had a boyfriend, I might let him sell Brad’s baseball cards on Ebay – ludicrous.   I am an honest person, and I’m not vindictive, but he thinks I am.  I think this is a clear case of projection on Brad’s part – he is accusing me of doing harm to his stuff when he is the one who threatened to burn my clothes more than once.

When he was going through the house, he kept pointing out things I had not packed yet saying “I'll need all of this, of course that’s mine, I bought it in 1998,  etc.”  It was excruciating and he wasn’t even right all the time, but I did not put of much of a fight unless I really cared, because it just wasn’t worth it.

At this point in time he mentions he has rented a house and will be moving in the middle of the month.  I am in full-scale panic now, because I have to get everything packed, I have to get a new washer and dryer, a new printer,  I have to make sure all of the remaining furniture of his is ready.   I finally have everything sorted out, and we arrange that the movers will come to my house first to pick up what's left here and then go to the storage unit.  Despite what I have put in storage, there is still a lot of stuff in the house.
The night before moving day, Brad drops the kids off and insists on ‘seeing’ that everything is packed, where it is, and he wants to pick up the printer.  I have to walk around the house and show him, and as we are in the master bedroom in a little area in front of the closet, he just starts idly chatting, about what I have no idea.  I am having an episode of post-traumatic stress.   We have been standing in this exact position so many times when things were going horribly wrong.  I feel like my head is going to explode, I feel cornered, I can’t think straight.  I think I’m hyperventilating.  I guess at some point he realized this and he asked me if I felt uncomfortable and I said yes I did feel uncomfortable in this confined space with him.  Trapped was what I was thinking, but did not say.  Here is his reaction.

12/15/10 – kids dinner – dropped off kids and came in to get printer, said I need to “let it go” when I told him I was uncomfortable with him in a confined space
I need to “let it go”, years of abuse living with him, continued abuse in dealing with him about the kids and I just need to “let it go”.    He’s truly clueless , and this is after almost a year of the batterer’s intervention program.

Moving Day
When Brad gets there, I am working and still quite tense from the night before.  I try to ignore him, but he keeps bothering me and brings up how/when Luke is going to learn to ride a bike without training wheels.  This is very important to him, apparently, and he wants me to promise that “no other man” will be there when Luke first rides successfully, even my Dad.  It has to be just Brad and me.   I try to explain that this is not practical, since you never know when the ‘a-ha moment’ will be, and it might take several times before it would be successful.  Brad keeps saying “it’s a trust issue, it’s a trust issue, we both have to be there.”
I have no idea what he means by that, but I do understand it’s a sensitive topic.  The discussion gets heated, so I decide to leave the house.  Keep in mind, there are people there, three movers and he’s still getting very upset and raising his voice over the training wheels issue.  And then

12/16/10 – moving day – at house with movers, blocked my way when I tried to leave because the conversation was stressful – said he will “tell” me when he wants to be there with the kids, followed me to car, said “f**k you” and “you’re the worst wife ever”  - refused to apologize later and said it was my fault he did those things, later said he would “have a fit” if I got a vacation with the kids and he did not, much later said he was a little bit sorry he had cussed at me –

So when I tried to leave, he blocked my way – physically holding the door closed, finally I get out and he cusses me out as he follows me to the car.  Any of this sound familiar?
I’m go to my car sobbing and stressed, I call my mom, I go to Target, I come back home not sure how he’s going to react.  He comes out to the car and confronts me telling me it’s all my fault that he said those things.    Ten months after I had him forcibly removed from the house and he hasn’t changed,  not one little bit.





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