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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Just grin and bear it

I’m not sure if it was because the divorce was final and had it finally sunk in with Brad or what – but May was a terrible month.  It could also have been related to the fact that we were seeing each other all the time.  T-ball practice was once or twice during the week, games on Saturday, swim lessons and then Brad’s dinner night.  There was a period where I saw him almost every day for two weeks.  It was excruciating.   He might have been recognizing what he was missing, and trying to hang on somehow.  I'm not sure.

This first event set up more than a week of painful exchanges.
05/05/11 Thursday – at t-ball practice asked “is that a new bra, I don’t recognize it” when he saw my green bra strap

I was upset about him saying that, so I really did not want to talk the next morning when he called. I had the ‘nerve’ to push back a little and he freaked out.
05/06/11 Friday AM – called because I had accidentally called him earlier and hung up – said that I have to text him if that happens again so he’ll know nothing is wrong, said I sounded tired and when I replied “it sounds like your trying to be buddy-buddy and I don’t need that” he said “that is just my personality and it’s not going to change” then said goodbye in a snippy voice and hung up

If you’d heard his voice you’d understand how angry he was.  I did not feel like ‘chit-chatting’ with him and when I tried to express that he got furious.  This was on a swim lesson day and I was nervous to see him that evening because I had no idea if he would still be angry or not.  He was.
05/06/11 Friday PM – at swim lessons – first words out of his mouth “Are you going to be nice?” – I said yes, he said “that was all you this morning, you were really being a bitch, nothing was on me” in other words, it was all my fault he got upset

So he’s furious and thinks I’m being a bitch because I said, “it sounds like your trying to be buddy-buddy and I don’t need that”.   Curious - I felt like I was just trying to express my opinion. 
The next morning he came to take Luke for a haircut and was clearly still angry.  He waited a while until I noticed his car was there, because apparently my doorbell had recently broken. This was his response.

05/07/11 Saturday AM – got mad because he rang doorbell and I could not hear it  - said “you put Luke in the car” and walked away from door angry
He also said “the doorbell worked when I lived here.”  And how is that relevant?  It also worked last week, but now it doesn’t.

He was still mad almost a week later when he called.
05/10/11 Tuesday AM – called to talk about child support, etc and said  “about that fit you had last Friday morning” – said he needed to know if I was in a bad mood or upset because of the kids – I explained I was a little upset about the bra comment and he said it was because I was “inappropriately dressed for a kids’ t-ball practice” and that he did not want the kids to be embarrassed or other parent s to make comments, PM – continued in this vane and brought up that one time at school you could see my underwear – said I should either “not wear underwear or wear some that don’t come up accidentally when I bend over”

This whole conversation was so wrong at so many levels.  So he thought I was ‘having a fit’, over that one statement I made last week.  And he felt he had the right to know why I was having a fit ‘because of the kids’.  He turned it all around and tried to imply I was not dressed appropriately because my strap happened to show when I was leaning over putting Cassie in the car.   And he still insists “I don’t care about you or what you do.”   Really?  Because it’s seems awfully jealous to me.
And here are some examples that are almost stalker-ish.

05/13/11 PM – before swimming lessons – called and asked where I was coming from, I said school and he said he was two cars in from of me at light and saw me coming down a side street and wanted to know why,  I explained that the traffic was bad and I had to make a long u-turn to get back going the right way
05/14/11 PM – kid pickup – asked how much I weighed and if I was starting to date, re-iterated bike issue, asked if I was going to get the bike so we could have my brother-in-law help

05/18/11 noon-3pm – left text about whether I had told t-ball lady if Luke was going to be out of town for a game, left another text and called me three times, like one an hour until I responded,

05/18/11 at t-ball – asked why I did not respond and I told him because my  phone was on silent and I did not know he was calling – said he wanted to make sure I was not deliberately make him wait
So he wants to know if I’m dating, he wants to know if I’m going out of town and who I'm going with, he wants to know why I was driving a particular road, why I didn't call him back immediately.  All the while professing he doesn’t care what I do, and even at one point saying “I don’t care if you date the whole football team”.  As if. It’s gets even worse, at the dentist office while we were waiting on my son’s treatment this happened.

05/19/11 AM – at dentist – asked about beach trip and I said it was just a beach trip, he repeated the question three times and I finally said  anonymous beach town in the South and he asked who was going – I said Papa and Papa’s wife, he said “only them?” and I said “it sounds like you are trying to find out if I have a boyfriend” and he said “I am” – I said “I’ll be back in an hour” and went out to the car  - he came out to the car and was physically intimidating, and telling me I have to answer his questions, and I was being immature, and he has a right to know where his kids are – then he kept following me around the dentist office every time I tried to get away to keep talking to me to prove he was right and I was wrong, threatened to go back to court, said he had right to fight for custody anytime and that “the psych evaluation” will prove what's wrong with me

Again with the threat of court and getting more custody, and yet the divorce is final.  Note how he thinks the psych evaluation (we were both going to get one at some point, but it was cut out at mediation) is going to prove what wrong with me as a person and parent.  At some level he really believes he is the more fit parent.
 Also, he's still hammering on the boyfriend issue.   It’s just so tedious.   It's so obvious that he is obsessed with my dating status and yet professes not to be.  I think I would respect him more if he would just admit that he’s having a hard time moving on rather than constantly denying it. 
What I learned from this is that it's not worth to push back.  If I had just answered, "Yes, I'm tired" back on May 6th, I could have probably avoided a lot of what followed.  It's similar to his pattern when we were married of continuing an argument until he's satisfied.  It's sad to say, but leaving his ridiculous, inappropriate, or condescending comments alone; or answering his invasive questions as briefly as possible leads to a more peaceful experience overall.   It's better to just listen, react at little as possible, and move on.  I hate that reality, but there it is. I've got much more important things to deal with than his assinine behavior.

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