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Thursday, August 25, 2011

I just don't know what to think

Some jealous behavior

Brad continues, in my opinion, to be somewhat obsessed about knowing when I am dating and whether I already have a boyfriend or not.  On Sunday drop-off, there was a car in front of my house that had been there since that morning.  I have no idea who it belongs to.  I knew Brad was going to make a comment, and I was not disappointed.   The first thing the kids asked when they came to the door was “Who’s car is that?”   I said I had no idea, and here is Brad’s response.

08/14/11 Sunday – said “your mother is lying” to kids about unknown vehicle in front of house, said he didn’t care and that it was a girl’s car anyway
08/15/11 Monday – asked if I ever figured out whose car that was

So he told the kids I was lying.  Nice. Then he said he didn’t care, and that is was a girl’s car, which meant he had looked in it enough to see the girly thing hanging from the mirror.   Then he even followed up the next day.   He’s probably still convinced I had my ‘boyfriend’ secreted away somewhere in the house.
Next, on Wednesday he was picking the kids up at the house to take them to Six Flags for the day.

08/17/11 kid pick up for six flags – asked if I could be home early tonight and I said I had plans, then he called and texted and emailed later to say he had to work, he had a call at 7:30pm, so he would bring kids back at 7pm.   On phone - said “I want to know before you introduce someone to the kids so I can tell them who their father is”.  Says he doesn’t trust me to tell him beforehand.   At drop off  - I was 4 minutes late.  I had texted at 6:59 that I would be there shortly. He was angry and confronted me aggressively – told kids to go inside so we could talk, insisted I should have texted sooner and that he was angry because I “kept the kids waiting" and that he had to lie to them and tell them I was shopping

Three things.  First  - he made up a work meeting once he found out I had plans, so he could spoil them.  I am convinced.  His work event was a conference call and the only phone he has is his cell phone, so there is no reason he could not have dropped them off at 7:25 and still been on the call by 7:30.   Second, the crack about wanting the kids to know who their father is?  It’s just ridiculous, as if I am actively looking to replace him.  I couldn’t even if I wanted to.  As long as he takes them when he has his visitation, he will be in their lives and they will never forget him.    It’s entirely up to him.  Third, he was visibly angry and intimidating when I came back four minutes late.  I refused to be alone with him, which he wanted, so he could rant and rave about it without the kids being there.  He kept repeating   - it’s not fair to the kids .  Most likely, though he was furious and jealous because he finally had confirmation of one date. 
Two days later, Friday morning.

08/19/11 AM – on phone – wanted to talk about kids – Haley and breakfast, Mark and DS – asked if I was going to have a babysitter this weekend – really pushing to babysit if I have a date, said he wanted right of first refusal and he was going to get something written up
This was a very tense conversation in the morning about the babysitting. I was very nervous to see him later afternoon when we all went to ‘Meet the Teacher’.  I was afraid he would bring up again that he wanted to get a document or something giving him the right to babysit, if he wanted.  It’s preposterous of course, but not to him.

08/19/11 PM  at meet the teacher – furious I was late, even though he had the time wrong and I was not late, condescending and snippy the whole time.  Insisted I tell him how long I would wait before introducing someone to the kids

He did not bring up the babysitting again, and he seemed to calm down quite a bit when I said maybe three or four months would be long enough to date before introducing the kids to someone.  I thought thought it was because he felt like he had some time to deal with the thought of that happening.   Boy was I wrong.  Later that evening….

The bombshell
Brad told me Friday night at swim lessons that he has a girlfriend  - someone he’s  been dating for two months,  and he thinks maybe the three month mark in September will be the right time to introduce her to the kids, or maybe Christmas, he said.  

I have such mixed feelings about this because, on the one hand, I am elated he has someone else so maybe he can focus on her and not me.  On the other hand, I feel sorry for her.  There is no way she is going to avoid being abused by him.  It just a matter of time.  On the third? hand, I am upset because he has been so focused on my dating and telling me  “I don’t live to date” and other things that implied he was not dating, that I feel angry that he has moved on before me, mostly because he seemed to be so insistent that he was not. 

I  am not at all surprised, however.  With his extreme focus on sex ,  I expected him to get a girlfriend right away.  When it seemed that it was not happening, I didn’t know what to think.  Now I feel like he’s been lying to me all this time and it hurts a little. 

Primarily, I am happy, because it’s a sign he’s moving on. At least I think it is.  But he still seems so focused on me and my dating situation that I am worried that it has made no difference in his behavior at all.    Most of my friends and family assumed that once he had a girlfriend,  he would stop obsessing about my situation, but that certainly seems not to be the case.

Another theory floated by myself and others is that there is no girlfriend.   He’s made it up after finding out I had a date, to make himself seem better than me.  Or perhaps to get me to open up and talk about my relationship.   I will probably never know, unless the kids start mentioning someone in September.  Regardless, I am now reviewing everything he said in the last two months in a new light, trying to figure out if there is another way to interpret his behavior assuming he did have a girlfriend.   I still come up with jealous. 

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