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Friday, July 8, 2011

Never enough

For Brad, sex was an absolute right.  He felt he deserved it any time he wanted it. He truly wanted sex every day, multiple times – before work, when I got home from work, and later in the evening would have been his ideal scenario. This obviously caused a lot of conflict because I was essentially always mad at him for the way he treated me and rarely wanted to have sex.  Plus I was tired all the time from working full time, taking care of all the kids’ needs, and frequently staying up late fighting with him because he would not let me go to sleep.     

Here are some of the things he would say frequently:
·         Show me your boobs  (often in front of the kids)
·         You should initiate sex more often, I shouldn’t have to beg
·         You don’t show any passion
·         You’re acting distant
·         You don’t “open up” during sex  (I still don’t know what this means)
·         You’re always making up excuses so you don’t have to have sex 
·         Did anyone flirt with you or look at your breasts today?
·         You don’t make me feel ‘special’

He had a lot of strange theories and concepts related to sex. Since we did not have the amount of sex he wanted, he was always trying to make ‘deals’ with me for a certain number of times a day, or a week.   Sometimes I would make these deals just to be able to go to sleep or to stop the fight.  And if he asked for sex and I turned him down, for whatever reason, I ‘owed’ it to him later and I had to be appreciative that he ‘let me out of it’ or he would get angry.   
He had this concept that he wanted to do something with me that ‘no one else had’, that was ‘only his’.  This was part of his needing to feel special, I suppose.  He was often coming up with things he wanted to try including threesomes, mutual masturbation, tying me up during sex, and other things that I had never participated in, and that he tried to talk me into.  It never worked, but that did not stop him from trying and fighting about it a lot. 
He also wanted to engage in sexual activities when the kids were there, I resisted as they got older and older, but it made him really mad, he said they were too young to understand and remember.  When we were behind closed doors, he would not stop or cover-up if they came in the room, he would insist in ‘finishing’ and I would be powerless to stop him. 
All of these are examples of sexual abuse in a relationship.  Do I think he ever truly raped me? No, but I had a lot of coerced sex, he made me feel helpless and ashamed, and I came to loath his touch. 
Below is a sampling of the journal entries that show just how disturbing his attitudes were and how they led to violence.
6/3/08 Tuesday AM – 5 – mad when I confronted him about some things he said, said I was distant and mean, wouldn’t let me leave for work, almost hit me, kids were there, I think he was mad because I did not have sex with him the night before because I was exhausted, told me he hoped I died
06/07/08 Saturday – 5+ - mad all day, had sex twice, but he freaked out when I said I would not masturbate in front of him, grabbed me, said he would kill me, told me I should be a lesbian, that I was a terrible lover, etc
07/21/08 Monday – 5 – on phone – mad because I planned days off of work and did not communicate effectively that one of those days was ‘his’ day to have sex all day – told me he would come to work and I would not talk to him – hung up on him several times  - told me he would beat me to death – told me he wanted 100% or 0% of kids – told me not to come home
08/03/08 PM – 4,5 – still mad about morning, mad because I had and ‘attitude’ when we were having sex and when he asked me why I said it was because of the argument in the morning, threatened to hit me, called me a c**t, b***h, wh**e, told me I was  a terrible person for not initiating sex and that I never tried.  Told me I had 3 days to make a change and start showing passion or he was going to start having sex outside the relationship
08/04/08 AM – 3,4 -  still mad, threatened to have sex outside the relationship, told me I had to change, and that it was all under my control, if I made him feel special he would not abuse me
08/28/08 Thursday AM – 3- got mad because I would not show my boobs on demand – I had previously agreed to randomly do it without him asking – says I lied since I didn’t do it (note: he was right about that, I had no intention of doing it) – I was screaming a lot because he threatened to get a girlfriend and not let me see the kids
08/28/08 Thursday PM – 5+ – still mad from AM, made me apologize for not appreciating him – threatened to kill me, raised his hand and chased me around the room, kids were both there, tore my shirt, said it was ‘sexual’ not a violent move
11/20/08 Thursday PM - 4,5 – mad about sex – he made a rude remark and said he had to force himself to have sex with me so I wouldn’t let him, threw valet across the room – asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said yes, called me a wh**e, lots of yelling
12/20/08 Saturday PM – 5+ - mad because I did not want to have sex after my sister’s wedding, says I did not ‘nicely’ say no – tried to choke me in the bathroom of the hotel, all four kids (note: my nephews were staying in our room) were in the room
Early on I did try to be a more willing partner, but towards the end I pretty much gave up and just endured it when I had too.  I got to the point where I felt surprised that other women actually wanted to have sex with their husbands.  I just could not relate anymore.  Sometimes now I get mad at myself for trying at all. It was all wasted energy.  He didn’t deserve any of it.