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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Just so tired

Things continued to get worse.  During a twenty-day time frame in April, every single incident was threatening or violent.  (Back story on the tummy tuck incident -  I had been to see a plastic surgeon about correcting some scarring due to the difficult birth with Cassie and the doctor recommended a tummy tuck. I did not follow through with anything.)

04/07/09 PM – 5+ - mad because I said “I think” when he asked a question about what the kids were watching, lectured on and on about how that was not an answer, then I was a bit snippy in saying that the kids already had eaten enough, cussed yelled, threatened to beat me, throw me out a window, threatened divorce and I said ok – told me that I would regret – said I have to change, grabbed me around neck, earlier – threw me down on bed – half joking, insisted on sex to “connect” again

04/12/09 Sunday afternoon – 5 – mad because I was not positive about sex – had already had sex twice on Sunday (plus Thurs, Fri, Sat night) – told me he wanted a girlfriend, threatened divorce, threatened to hit, made negative comments in front of kids, I drove around the block

04/17/09 PM – 5+ - mad because I expressed my feelings about how he treats me and the kids when he opened up to me, said I should just have shut up because he was trying to communicate, wanted me to admit I was wrong – threatened to hit, kill, divorce, said he would get half, held me down and put his hand over my mouth – 2+ hours

04/21/09 PM – 5+ - mad because I did not answer question, about sex directly, I hedged and said I’ll try, got very manipulative and controlling, would not listen to my answer, called me a b***h, c**t, told me I deserved to be cheated on because I don’t answer questions, picked me up and threw me on bed when I said I answered how I thought he wanted me to - blamed me for starting and not admitting I was wrong

04/27/09 Monday – 5+ - got very mad when discussing tummy tuck – very against it and was manipulative and controlling in giving his ‘opinion’, said he would take the kids I had had surgery, would not let me leave the room, threatened to hit me, pushed me against the wall and hurt my arm/back – says I was wrong to ask his opinion if I would not accept it, admits he should not have pushed me, but says I would have stopped it earlier by not arguing with him about the tummy tuck and accepting his opinion

At this point I began to have some debilitating tiredness. I would sit in the car after work, barely able to keep my eyes open, in tears at the thought of having to drive home. It’s no wonder, when you understand what I had to look forward to. I went to the doctor and they ran a bunch of tests. I was very distressed  to find out I was healthy and that there was nothing wrong with me. I was really hoping I was anemic, or something. Something that they could fix. Deep down I knew that living with him was probably most of the problem and that I was, in reality, mildly depressed. Who wouldn’t be under the circumstances? Even my ‘condition’ was the cause of several arguments as below.

05/15/09 Friday AM – 2 – mad because I am tired – said last night I have to be positive about sex today since I ‘got out of it’ last night from being so tired. Says he going to get a girlfriend. Very snippy all last night about sex. -4 - Yelled and mad because I am not ‘positive’ – shouting and manipulative

05/15/09 Friday PM 5+ - mad because I did not act happy when I came home, threatened me with a knife – choked me- kids were there – went on for hours – told him to leave – said he would kill me

05/29/09 PM – 5 – mad because I told him stress/depression was probably the cause of my fatigue, said I was blaming it all on him, I tried to tell him he needed professional help - he agreed to be “nice” if I reward him with sex at the end of the day for being “good”

06/07/09 PM – Sunday – 3 – mad because I did not want to have sex again, I told him I would later earlier in the day – we did have sex in AM, but I did not keep my promise that night because I was really tired and depressed, he keeps looking for things outside himself to be the cause of my depression and tiredness - told me he’d give me a gun so I could shoot myself

Isn’t that last one nice? He told me he’d give me a gun so I could shoot myself.   I eventually came out of the tiredness, I'm not exactly sure why.  Maybe the vitamins helped, maybe my resolve to leave got stronger, I'm not sure.  There is no doubt in my mind the next incident played a big part in that resolve.  Stay tuned.