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Monday, July 4, 2011

Jealousy

As I go through my journals from 2008, I am struck by how fresh some of these incidents are in my mind.  Some I barely remember, and others I remember as if they happened last week.  Some of the worst ones I would have told you happened a lot later in the relationship.  I had forgotten how bad it was that long ago.  I truly don’t know how I was able to stand it for so long. Sometimes I felt like my head was going to explode during the arguments.  I know I kept telling myself that I was doing it for the kids.  I feel fairly certain I would have left much sooner, if I had not wanted to keep the family intact.   The ironic part when I look back is how terrible it really was for the kids the whole time. They saw and heard so much they should not have.  I feel bad now that I did not leave sooner.   This process had validated my decision to leave a hundred times over.

I’m going to dedicate the next few posts to ‘themes’ of Brad’s abuse and some examples from 2008.  The first theme up is ‘jealousy’, which includes things like frequently calling, expecting you to ask for permission to do things like going to lunch with co-workers, asking who you were talking to on the phone, accusing you of cheating.   This type of behavior is one of the cornerstones of the abusive personality.
Generally, he called frequently at work to either check on me or continue an argument.  I was instructed to call and let him know I was headed home when I was in the car, not as I was shutting my computer down, not as I was walking out the door, not two minutes after I was in the car. I had to follow his instructions to the letter or face his wrath.
Exhibit A
Here he was mad because I left work late, so he assumed I was lying/cheating.  He was mad for two days about this.
4/25/08 Friday PM – 4,5 – mad that I left work late and that I did not answer a question correctly, said I was avoiding answering
4/26/08 Saturday evening – 5 – still mad about day before – said I was distant – told me I had to say I could change without reservations or agreements from him
Exhibit B
At this point he was convinced I was either cheating on him with my therapist  (I guess he assumed I was lying about the fact that she was female, as with the chiropractor), or that she was going to turn me against him, as if I needed someone besides him to do that.  I did quit the therapist because of this.
5/5/08 Monday PM – 4  - mad I was late, asked if I was cheating, told me to quit therapist or we’d have to get divorced  - mad because I said that a statement he made was controlling
Exhibit C
Having lunch with co-workers was always stressful.  He wanted me at my desk, at lunchtime. I’m not exactly sure if it was because he thought I might ‘meet someone’ at lunch, or if he just assumed I was lying and was, in fact, cheating at lunch.  He would call and check on me at least once during any lunch outside the office and would repeatedly call until I answered.  He always had some lame excuse like “what do you want for dinner?”  I did not write it in my journal, or maybe it’s later on, but I specifically remember one time when I finally had time to call back he answered the phone with “So who were you giving a BJ to in the parking lot?”    
07/07/08 Monday PM – 5+ - mad because I did not elaborate when he asked if I brought lunch,  hit me on the chin, not a punch more of a slap, agreed to keep going and try to calm things down
07/17/08 PM – 5+ - mad because I told him about a last minute lunch with colleagues, completely freaked out and accused me of cheating, tried to choke me, threatened to kill me, would not let me leave the room to call 911, lots of yelling, Luke was there for some of it.
Exhibit D
One time I apparently had to call someone who works for me from the house before I left for work and this was the result.  Again, mad for two days about this.
07/28/08 Monday PM – 3 – asked me who (one of my associates)  was because I had called him – accused me of cheating, told me he wanted to live separate lives and get a girlfriend  - said I was ‘acting weird’ earlier when he asked what I was taking for lunch – got mad when I told him I was defensive because of him
07/29/08 – 4 – ignored my calls all day because he was still mad about the day before because I did not take responsibility for being defensive – threatened me when I told him it was over -  I went outside which helps – cussed and yelled and threatened in front of Luke
Exhibit E
During the last part of this year my company was working on a big project and there were lots of people in from out of town for meetings, and some after work dinners related to the project .    but truly he just wanted to make sure there was an event and that I was not lying. Here are several incidents relating to this. I came to dread anytime an after work event was suggested.
08/04/08 PM – 3 & 5+-  after work he accused me of cheating because there are people in from out of town, told me I looked for every reason not to have sex, when I complained about the earlier incident he freaked out , threatened to beat me, raised his hand, threw a book
8/06/08 Wednesday – 3- yelled at me over the phone because I had not sent him the agenda with the name of the restaurant, even though earlier he told me he did not read it – told me I escalated – said he was not jealous I was having dinner with coworkers from out of town, but he was
09/25/08 – Thursday evening – 3,4 – mad because I did not answer question about work event – said I was dodging the question, questioned my lunch plans, jealous, threatened to lock me out and pour hot soup on me – kids were there
09/26/08 PM – 5+ - asked me what I did for lunch as soon as I walked in, jealous about off-site work event – said I was evasive and did not answer his question, I tried to call 911 when he got irate, but he would not let me - squeezed my arm and hurt it, yelled and cussed and kept me sitting down in front of the kids
10/07/08 Tuesday PM – 5 – mad because I had not asked whether a work event was drinks or dinner – because I did not “follow through” with my commitment – yelled and threatened to hit me in front of kids – I yelled too – he kept pushing and would not let me walk away, seemed very insecure because of all the meetings at work
11/24/08 Monday PM – 4,5 – 2-3 hours – mad because I “lied” about a work dinner , I told  him about it and he said he was “tired of all these dinners” when he asked me if I wanted to go, I skirted the issue because I was afraid of how he would react, lots of yelling, cussing in front of kids, called me a b***h, c**t, I told him I was planning divorce, he said I have to change and stop lying before he will stop the abuse
12/01/08 Monday PM – 4 – mad because I forgot to forward email about after work dinner on Wednesday, wanted me to pick out a time when I don’t have any details yet,  got mad when I said 1 ½ hours and I’ll call if it’s later. Cussed at me, called me a c**t and yelled in front of kids, would not let me walk away, yelled at me to stay and ‘take it’, wanted a ‘concession’ for me forgetting to send the email/ breaking a previous agreement, told him we would have to divorce, but he ignored it

12/02/08 Tuesday PM – 2 – still upset about dinner tonight, questioning me about everything, was I going to cheat, says he need emotional trust, but doesn’t have it
12/03/08 Wednesday PM – 3- told me he would take the kids to a hotel if I was not home from dinner by 8:30 as promised, I got there at 8:25 and the kids were in the car  
12/09/08 PM – 5 – mad because I did not tell him I was in a lot of meetings at work, said I did not take responsibility, really mad about how he thinks I will dismiss him on trip to see my family, cussed and yelled in from of kids, f’ing c**t,  wh**e, threatened to throw a candle at me if I did not stay to listen to him talk / rant
Exhibit F
And we end the year with this – he was mad because I did not leave work exactly at 3pm.
12/31/08 AM – 1- mad because I’m not exactly sure when I’m leaving work, told him I would probably leave at 3pm and he took it as gospel, says I should better manage his expectations, otherwise I’m ‘lying’
The funny part is how often he would tell me “I’m not jealous.”