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Friday, July 1, 2011

The Escalation

I remember telling my therapist  “Sometimes I wish he would go ahead and hit me so I’d have a real reason to leave.”  How disturbing is that?  Reading the previous posts it’s obvious he was verbally abusive. He hadn’t been working for a few months,  so he had time to dwell on what I was doing wrong and all of my imagined affairs, so things got worse.  In retrospect I should have asked him to leave then before it got physical, but I thought it could still be fixed and that we could have an intact family.  It’s hard to tell your kids “You won’t ever have a full time father because he yelled at me.”   It seems like it’s not a good enough reason, but it is.  What he did to me then was not okay and should never be tolerated.   Partially because it’s just not right, but mostly because this will very likely escalate to physical violence.   From the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence website:

Physical violence against women by intimates is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior. A recent national survey of 8,000 women found that women whose partners were jealous, controlling or verbally abusive were significantly more likely to report being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked by their partners. "Having a verbally abusive partner was the variable most likely to predict that a woman would be victimized by an intimate partner." (NVAW Survey, July 2000)”
If that isn’t proof, I don’t know what is. I am a living example of it. 

The escalation started like this:
1/20/08 Sunday – 3,4 – not answering questions, grabbed my arms, threatened to hit  

Then this:
2/14/08 Thursday PM – 5+ - huge fight, he threatened to leave and I told him to go, held me down

And this:
3/24/08 Monday PM – 5+ - mad about not answering question about if I had seen a TV show – said I gave three different answers. Threatened Luke if I did not come back upstairs to talk to him. Threatened to beat me when I left the room. Apologized in the morning.

And this:
4/1/08 Monday PM – 5+ -huge fight. Agreed to go to therapy if I would take a lie detector test – he doesn’t trust me because of all of my ‘lying’. My ‘lying’ started the fight. I agreed that I understood / said something I that I did not. Threatened to hit me, threatened to slit my throat, threatened to take the kids away, threatened divorce, wanted to agree to divorce and stipulations – Luke was there

And then this:
5/1/08 Thursday evening – 5+ - mad that I interrupted what he was saying, grabbed my throat, said he had apologized for his bad behavior in the past, agreed he needs to change

We had been married for three years with no physical violence. In three and half months he went from grabbing my arms to grabbing my throat.   At first you are in shock and cannot believe it’s happening.  Your world turns upside down momentarily, but then you have to move on, put the kids to bed, get ready for work, whatever.  I never had the luxury of dwelling on it for very long.  The constant arguing about idiotic things was actually much more draining, so even though I had thought  “I’d never be with a man who physically abused me”, the reality was quite different.